Speechless

Me being speechless; it's a rarity. And by speechless, I'm not implying "quietness," but rather "having no idea of what to say." I have a general policy of attempting to keep my mouth shut when there's nothing good to say, because that's what my Momma told me to do. :) Anyways, to give you some of the background to the dialogue: the speaker in question is a female doctor I work with, her husband is a lawyer. She has two young girls, one is 4ish I think, and the other is 4 months. Currently, a nanny in their home is looking after the little ones. Fast forward to our conversation >>>>

Us: banter, banter, blah, blah

Me: "So everyone I know seems to be pregnant and about to deliver."

Her: "Yeah, I have several friends in the next few months who will too. They're all teachers and they'll be taking time off to be at home with their babies. [time off = not just maternity leave]

Me: "Oh? like not coming back?"

Her: "Yeah, it makes me sad to think about that, so I try not to."

Me: [awkward pause and speechlessness]

So I immediately pick up on what she's really not saying... "I'm not staying at home with my daughters, and I hate that, buuuut I'm not really going to focus on that or try to change anything."

I realize I probably haven't covered my position thoroughly on raising children, etc., but I am of the persuasion that mommas need to be mommas at home. No one else can raise your children the way you can. And as everyone who takes this position will usually provide a disclaimer, I completely understand in single-parent homes, safety/abuse issues, etc. where you do need outside help for your children. But I would say for the majority of families, being a stay at home mom or wife (SAHM, SAHW) can work; if you are willing to make some financial and personal sacrifices. I also understand the duration differs between SAHMs. Some stay home until the children graduate from high school, some homeschool their kids, and some go back to work when the children are able to be in school.

Back to the awkward pause part, I really had no idea of what to say. Mainly because I am certainly not going to be the one who places even more guilt on someone else's frame, especially when they're already feeling it. I'm pretty sure that women (moms or not) have a built-in guilt section in our hearts; simply put, we are professionals in that regard. Anyways, if I knew her on a personal level, beyond work, as a friend, I would've tried to encourage her to find ways to be more at home with the kids. Change career stuff around, etc.

I mentioned this incident to my sister and her husband (she's a SAHM of two), and my brother-in-law said, "Clearly this isn't a problem of means..." And it's not, and that's what bothers me. I don't know much about doctor and lawyer salaries, but it's pretty safe to say their annual income would still be large if she came home to be with the kids. But herein lies another dilemma.

She's a doctor. She's invested years of schooling, not to mention tuition to be at the point where she is today. If you start comparing the different professions between moms that give up their careers to be at home, it gets dangerous. As humans we deal better with labels. Heck, even Blogger deals better with labels! We can't handle ambiguity, so it's easier for us to compare and attempt to assess value of things. We'll use my job and hers as an example for this. I'm an administrative assistant. I manage research, mailings, patient appointments, etc. When I leave this job, this position will easily be replaced. A doctor however is different. She treats illnesses and diseases. She manages medications and diagnoses. She has probably saved lives. Do you see the difference?

I'm not getting into this as a point of self-worth or value. I don't feel any less valuable as a person by my job. I am secure in my Father's love for me and that He planned for little ol' me to be a part of His big universe. What I am saying is that, it's hard for me, even as a staunch believer of SAHMs, to really grasp the giving up of such a beneficial career. I guess what it boils down to is, do others (patients in our example) need me more than my children do?

The potential answer to that question leaves me with a sour stomach. If you say, "others do," then you're saying "no" to your own children. And really, in the scheme of things, they're only children for a little while. A very short while. But if you say "my children do," then others can wait. There have always been "others" and there always will be. But your children only have one mommy for their lifetime. No one else holds that particular role in their entire lifetime. Pretty powerful huh? My point exactly.